SANDPOINT — Vivian Kirkwood knows what it means to be a widow. When her husband, Lee, passed away in 2015, she found herself at a personal crossroads. What she did at that critical juncture is nothing short of inspiring.
Faced with the chaos of loss all around her, Kirkwood began to pull together resources and tools for healing — the same things she now shares with the two groups she leads for women facing the same situation.
The first group she formed is called Widows Helping Widows, which started its work in the summer of 2016. Another, church-based help group called One With Christ was begun in May of this year, with the charge of helping both widows and divorced women navigate the thorny path of grief with their faith as a guiding light.
One of the most helpful things the leader brings to these gatherings is a still-fresh recollection of the devastating impact of losing a husband. After a lifetime together and building a homestead in Hope, Lee was diagnosed with a terminal illness at the age of 80. Within two months of that diagnosis, he was gone.
“My world as a wife had been built around my husband — now what?” Kirkwood asked. “It’s like working on a jillion-piece puzzle all your life when, suddenly, it all gets thrown into the air. Where do you start when that happens?”
Her answer was based on what she saw as two, stark realities — two choices, really — that met her at the crossroads.
“I decided that I can either sit at home, cry into my tea and end my life in despair, or I can hitch up my boots, get out and be productive,” she said.
Starting a widows’ support group, though, was not on her productivity to-do list. A casual conversation with Paul Graves after one of his Geezer Forums swept Kirkwood into that role — and it didn’t take long, either. Kirkwood asked Graves if there was any kind of organization for widows in the community and their exchange was overheard by Ellen Weissman, executive director of Sandpoint Area Seniors, who asked if she might be interested in starting such a group.
“Within 10 minutes, we had the location, the time and day in place — and we started,” said Kirkwood.
Widows Helping Widows is still a relatively unknown resource in the community, according to Kirkwood, who said the monthly meetings act as a networking vehicle for those attending. The leader brings an article to each session to prompt discussion and members chime in with all manner of information they think might be useful to others.
“We talk about things like people who have been helpful to us doing yard work or home maintenance,” Kirkwood said. “And we encourage each other.”
For the most part, the participants have also reached the “hitch up your boots” stage of grief, having already made it through the raw, early steps.
“We do talk about grief, but it’s not our focus,” said the group leader. “People who are in the initial stages of grief are a lot better off going to the (Bonner General Health) Community Hospice grieving group.”
The faith-based group came about when Kirkwood started reaching for something deeper in her own life that would help put the loss of her husband in a different context. She began to compile scriptures centered on both widows and orphans, conducted Internet research about what similar groups were doing around the country and presented an outline to the elders at North Summit Church, formerly First Christian Church, in Sandpoint.
They gave her the green light and One With Christ was formed.
“We have people from different churches and it’s open to anyone who wishes to pursue sharing and learning more about the application of our faith,” Kirkwood said. “That’s where I come from — I lean on the Lord. And when we live by ourselves and have had to make a massive adjustment, that gives us peace and comfort.”
Limiting the support groups to one gender is not meant to discount the grief that men go through when losing a spouse, the leader pointed out, it’s simply that women are more prone to openly share their feelings among other women. She has seen progress made by those in the sessions and feels strongly that the shared awareness of being a widow and the shared experience of reaching out to lend a hand lifts the entire group.
“It’s a terrible place to be, but one thing I’m realizing through all of this is that by helping others, I’m also helping myself,” said Kirkwood. “There’s a way through, but it ain’t easy.
“You think your life has come to an end, but you can’t live forever in the darkness,” she added. “One day, you wake up and realize that you can smell the roses again.”
Widows Helping Widows meets on the last Monday of each month at 10 a.m. at the Sandpoint Senior Center, located at 820 Main St. There is no fee for the 1-hour meeting, but the center always welcomes donations and participants are welcome to stay for lunch afterward at 11:30 a.m., for a cost of $4 for seniors. For more information on this group, call the center at 208-263-6860.
One With Christ meets on the first and third Mondays of each month, from 10:15-11:45 a.m., at North Summit Church, located at 201 N. Division St., in Sandpoint. For more information on these free meetings, call the church office at 208-263-4818.